1) If you have never read US comic issue #67, where Galvatron rules a post-apocolyptic Earth, you should do so before reading this. It'll make a lot more sense. You can find the issue on-line at http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/jodrellbank/excession/112/rhythms.zip thanks to Mr. James Wilson. Don't worry, non-comics people, it's pretty much a self-contained story.
2) Apologies to whoever might feel slighted by their role in this lil' parody. Sorry, but *somebody* had to play the bad guys!
3) Why wasn't your name included? It's because I don't like you. No other reason. It's certainly not because there were a very limited number of speaking parts in the original, or because even a casual glance at the list of posters to ATT reveals probably hundreds of names, or because I just haven't noticed your name before. No, none of that. It was a deliberate choice made in the hopes of ruining your day, your week, maybe your whole year. Even though I realized that the inclusion of *your* name is the one thing, the ONLY thing, that could possibly make it even better, it was worth the artistic sacrifice just to get in this rare chance to snub YOU, the reader.
4) Could someone hand me a mop? I spilled my sarcasm all over the keyboard.
5) Please contact me immediately if #5 is missing.
6) On with the show!
The Alt.Toys.Transformers #67
[The scene: the fringes of the Usenet newsgroup alt.toys.transformers. All is quiet, till an ominous burbling is heard -- followed by a hideous form pushing its way out of the murk at the newsgroup's edge...]
Hideous Form Pushing Its Way Out Of The Murk At The Newsgroup's Edge: oh yeah ---> the newgroup. id almost forgotten how beautiful it is
His name is Deathasaurus.
Deathy: it is my masterpiece ,my greatest work. the final cresen- creshe- cresen- the final part in my symfony --> OF TROLLDOM
He rules on-line Transfandom... in the year 2009!
[And we pan across a two-page splash of ATT -- in utter ruination. Topical discussion has been obliterated, wiped clean from the newgroup's face. Flames -- spam -- totally off-topic threads -- nonsense -- this is all that remains. It is a chaotic, desolate on-line wasteland. Deathy makes his way into the chaos, followed by six cringing, reluctant ATTers, and continues to rant.]
Welcome to the future. One of ATT's many possible futures... but the future nonetheless! It is a future where the trolls rule -- where the pulse of threads, of normal posting, has been smothered by...
RHYTHMS OF DORKNESS
Deathy: the last movment in an opera of idiocy that kicked
butt ,making him the newgroup ruler
[Deathy, still blathering, comes across a thread entitled "its 7:58" , while his cadre of followers looks on in bewilderment. Suddenly, a new poster named SavageNoble1 appears]
SavageNoble1: the last few fell here --> a doomed last stand against an unstoppable enemy
Deathy: i agree with savage noble, he was a foe whose genios intelligence was so
powerful, so brilliant none could stand against
him, and i am saying
that because i agree, not because i am the same person as savagenoble1
Aziraphale: "Who's he talking about?"
Knightheart (aside): "For that matter, WHAT is he talking about??"
Joona: "He is talking about himself. Third person delusions of grandeur, is what they call it. Me, I call it a typical American lack of grammatical-- oop!"
Deathy: what are you talking about ,you are attacking
me so i
will attack you now , --> i do not care about you, "Joona" to me
less than NOTHING --> canon fodder troops who should leave the thinking to ohters
Knightheart (aside): "Presumably, that would be others besides *him*...."
BattleMan: "Joona, cause him to talk to us again -- and I'll killfile you!!"
Deathasaurasaus: enough chatter lets talk about something ,"BATTLEMAN", joona, kinightheararte, you take the nonsense threads ,aziraphale ,"insert name here" and anthony oster, you take... uh... the other kind of threads
Anthony: "The extremely off-topic ones?"
Deatha: yes those
Random ATTer: "Hey, wait, 'Insert name here'? Is that like we can put our own names in? Cool!"
Rob Powers: "No, no, that's Insert Name Here."
2nd ATTer: "Wait, you mean *my* name?"
Rob Powers: "No, I mean Insert Name Here's name."
3rd ATTer: "You mean me? Woo hoo! I got included after all then!"
Rob Powers: "NO! You DIDN'T!! That's not you; that's Insert Name Here!"
4th ATTer: "But it says 'insert name here' ---"
Rob Powers: "AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
5th ATTer: "I think you are being exclusionary, to not let anyone put their name in. Why are you intentionally being so discriminatory?"
Rob Powers: "KILL YOU!! KILL YOU ALL!!!"
[With the author thusly distracted, Deathy begins to lash out at his surroundings -- randomly adding to spam postage, driving threads off-topic, inciting flame wars -- as the other ATTers unwillingly shuffle off to reluctantly squash topical posts at his bidding]
Joona: *Look at him revelling in this. He is as looney as Americans come! Now if _I_ had that much time to kill, I would spread the spammage beyond ATT, _really_ rule the Internet. I would show the Transfans once and for all who has the better country --*
[KKABBOOOOM!!! A sudden explosion buries Joona's off-topic ramble under a topical discussion of what it takes to kill a Transformer! BattleMan rushes to dig Joona out from the pile of posts, while Knightheart pokes around the discussion. Enraged, Deatha stalks over to another long-dead thread, this one entitled "Re: To Neale Davidson (2nd reply" ]
Deathy: you did this neale davidson ,you made them hate me, just like you made them all hate beast machines
[Deathy lashes out, posting a nonsensical fight scene consisting of him kicking Neale's lifeless body in the shins over and over while all of Transfandom cheers mindlessly.]
Deathy: how many times must I cut you with my weapon ,man
[Knightheart gravely pauses in his work to watch this bit of insanity]
Knightheart (to himself): "End this way all of us. Under weight of WebTV and AOL's moronity buried. When comes tonight final control message... another on-line Transfan will any of us be able to find?"
[Elsewhere, convening via private e-mail, a battle-weary group of Transfans is preparing an assault against the madness...]
zac_william: "C'mon, guys! I'm doing all the legwork, putting out positive discussion of Beast Machines, and you're all just dragging your feet!"
Thylacine: "To be honest, Zac... I don't know why we're trying! The newsgroup is over, finished!"
Walky: "'Over, finished? YOU'VE been reading too much Simon Furman...."
Doug Dlin: "I don't believe this! You're a Transformer fan, Thy -- you don't just give up! Is this how you honor Rob Jung's sacrifice, by running, hiding? What are you, a poster or a lurker?!"
zac_william: *Poor Thy... he's just voicing the hopelessness we ALL feel. A handful of ATTers against an entire Usenet full of trolls! A last stand for a lost newsgroup!*
Thylacine: "I'm a realist, Doug, that's what I am. ATT is under spam control. #wiigii! is gone, killed by bogus cancellation messages. There's just nothing left to fight for! Deathasaurus's posts drove away even the strongest of the fanfic writers...."
[Flashback post, narrated by Deathasaurus:
:>NEALE TRIES TO PUCNC DEATH IN THE CHEST,BUT TO HIS SURPRIZE HIS PUCNH
:>HAD NO AFFECT ON HIM .
:>Deathasauras: " is that all you got, here's a kick to the balls in the
:>name of all the "GOOD" ATTERS you ever insulted".
:>DEATH GIVES NEALE ONE OF HIS KARATE KICKS ,NEALE FALLS TO THE FLOOR
:>SPITTING BLOOD OUT OF HIS MOUTH".
:> Various ATTers: "ARRRRRGGG!!! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!" ]
Thylacine (cont.): "...so you can imagine how we fared!"
[Another flashback: Rob Jung, Dave Van Domelen, and Ben Yee stare, slack-jawed and vacant-eyed, at the same post, endlessly mumbling "Uh.... uh... uh... brain... melting... "]
Doug: "We have a deadline! At midnight tonight, unless some positive sign of intelligent discussion is shown, the newgroup admins that control Usenet will unleash a full-scale cancellation message for alt.toys.transformers! But if we can just get enough users posting on-topic to distract the trolls -- the rest of the Internet will see the newsgroup is still alive and fighting! So what's it going to be?"
[As the other survivors -- Dusty, Zobovor, Prime Saber, and Túrin look on -- a momentous decision is reached.]
Thylacine: "I -- I guess it's fight. With so much else lost to us... going back to a mailing list if this fails is not such a big deal!"
[The last member of the group returns from his newreader just then, with worrisome news]
SILVERBOLT, Mr. Vertigo Himself: "Whatever we're going to do we'd better do it fast! Our little divesionary tactic didn't work! Deathasaurus is posting to the newgroup again!"
The scene: the spam powerbase, an ominous, looming, endless thread titled "its 7:58": T-minus one hour, three minutes, forty-six seconds and counting....
[The powerbase has resulted in an impenetrable wall of killfile shields being erected by ATT users. Within the thread, two trolls are wandering about in boredom....]
Metrolynx: "I dunno about you... but this slowdown in posting is drivin' me unts!
Transking: "I know what you mean. It was so much better before all the regulars split... we flamed, we trolled, we posted worthless ads... we helped kill a good newsgroup!"
[Our Heroes are watching from nearby]
Túrin: "They're laughing! Laughing at those they've driven off the group, laughing at the spam and bandwidth wastage yet to come!"
Doug Dlin: "It might be smart to keep it down. Metrolynx and Transking are two of the most powerful trolls. We want them OUT of the way before we attack!"
Túrin: "NO! No more holding back! Metrolynx, Transking... this is where you get killfiled!"
[And Túrin charges into the fray!]
Doug Dlin: "Nnnnnnn! Oh, wonderful!"
Walky: "'Nnnnnn'? Too much Furman, folks!"
Zob: "Hey, you wanted discussion! Dusty, zac_william... help him out!"
Dusty (fatalisticly): "Right. Been nice postin' with you guys!"
Thylacine: "Rikard - we need those killfiles down! Start a discussion thread!"
SILVERBOLT - Mr. Vertigo Himself: "Sure -- and I'll killfile a few trolls along with it!"
[But SILVERBOLT's efforts soon attract unwanted attention... and his posts are buried beneath off-topic trollish blathering!]
SILVERBOLT: "REEEAAGH! Dicks of Hazard!!"
Walky: "'Reeeeagh.' Need I even say it?"
Dicks of Hazard: "Now... blow him off the newgroup! He needs to get out more any..."
SILVERBOLT (weakened): "I'm done... gotta...."
[BRAKKAMM!! (hey, don't blame me. That's what it really says right here on the page.) Through some indeterminate plot device, SILVERBOLT is destroyed!]
Zob: "Their killfiles are down! C'mon, Rikard bought us a chance with his life!"
[Zob charges, firing off round after round of trivia posts!]
Prime Saber: "Right! One side, spammer! Japanese episode info's comin' through!"
[Prime Saber advances, blasting JoeQuick out of the way! But a legion of others remain to be overcome...]
Doug Dlin: "It's gotta be now -- before the other fans recover from the initial joy of seeing actual life in the newgroup and begin to become cynical again! When that happens... the newgroup's as good as dead! Nightwind..."
Nightwind: "I know. It's just -- it's so unfair. Doug, I've got to tell you --"
Doug: "I know, Nightwind, I know -- and I fel the same. Maybe if things had been different... like if you weren't married, for example... and the whole thing wasn't just a joke on both our parts in the first place.... well, no point in dwelling on that now... especially since it was a totally pointless plot diversion anyway. We've got a newgroup to save!"
[Doug charges off into battle, preparing a very special post for deployment. Transking, meanwhile, has punched straight through Dusty's sanity with his sales posts, putting him down for the count! Nearby, Túrin and Metrolynx are lifeless corpses, casualties of the battle...]
Transking: "C10casefressssh!! Beg for mercy, beg for the sweet release of a discount price! As your finances slip away, pray I decide to cut you a bargain on G1 toys! Pray I decide to sell you my overpriced Transfo---"
[THUNK! Zac, striking with an ObTFs addendum, manages to take Transking down....]
zac_william: "Your scalping days are OVER, dealer scum!"
Transking (desperate fear): "C10 Case Fresh! C10 CASE FRESH!!!!"
[But, just as it looks like it's all over for Transking, a blast of nonsense takes Zac out!]
Transking: "Huh?... Mighty Deathasaurus! Praise the Scalper Lord you showed up when you did!"
Deatha: i am "NOT" a scalper ,i don't care why are you attacking me i attack you now
[And with that, Deathy quickly turns Transking's ad into a huge flamewar, forever destroying his chances of selling anything! Deathasaurus then summons his group of unwilling followers...]
Deathy: come on ,there ar epeple waiting for us to beat them up
[Thylacine sees Deathasaurus approaching -- and reacts in pure terror!]
Thy: *No! This is it -- the end! This newgroup is dead -- all of it! I gotta get outta here... Deathasaurus accounted for the most dilligent Transfans around, so what chance to I have?... But if I go, the newgroup'll go down before Doug is finished! I can give him the precious seconds he needs to unleash our secret weapon!*
[And so, mustering his courage, Thy replies on-topic and point-by-point to Deathy's posts!]
Thy: "Yeah... better to have my brain cells die than live with the knowledge that I ran!"
[High above Usenet, a remote newfeed relays the battle live to the headquarters Rec.Toys.Transformers.Moderated, home of the rest of the world's surviving Transfans....]
Tengu: "It's not enough! The Transfans have seen enough of their fellows fight and give up against the spam onslaught! We need something more!"
Hooks: "Maybe a really big killfile?"
Tengu: "No... we need a victory!"
Scott Kampa: "The remaining Transfans are watching... but unless we get a sign in the next nine minutes -- the cancellation messages will be sent!"
[Back at the battle, Deatha has not taken long to turn Thy's brain to mush!]
Deathasaurus: you are through here ,"thylacine" ,anyone can see it is you who are the troll ,not me ,that is clear i think ,you will leave the newgroup now
Thylacine: "You're right..."
[A sudden pause. Dead silence. Crickets chirp.]
Thylacine: "Did I just say that? I did NOT just say that."
[The pause, we see, is all the extra time that Doug Dlin needed!]
Doug: "Too late, Deathasaurus! I claim this newsgroup... in the name of the Transfans!"
[And we see Doug's "secret weapon": a posting of the ATT FAQ, with discussion of every single part! The newgroup is suddenly awash in on-topic threads! At RTTMod, reaction is swift...]
Windchaser: "I want these threads cross-posted across the newgroups! I want everyone to see that ATT is still alive and fighting! Oh, and guys... abort the cancellation messages!"
[Deathasaurus, now momentarily distracted from Thy, turns his sights on Doug instead!]
Deathy: is that all ,hah ,you would waste that much time on a bit of discussion ,truyly the sutpidity of the other fans never seases to amaze me you ahve delayed me kikcking you in the ass but that is all now --> die
[But before Deathasaurus can rant further, suddenly, in a flash of light, three powerful figure appear out of nowhere! They are tall, dark, sinister men clad in business suits and surrounded by shadowy backlighting wherever they go. The first one latches onto Deathy's user account!]
Suit #1: "Deathasaurus -- we have come for you!"
LioDeathasaurus: who is this 'deathasaurus', that is not me ---> I am someone else, see my screen name is different
Suit #2: "We three are servants of WebTV. The admins sent us through cyberspace to find you, to revoke your net.priveldges!"
[And with a wave of Suit #2's hand, Deathy abruptly finds he can no longer post!]
NeoLeoDeathasaurusPrime: no! why are you doing this , i changed my screen name --> twice today alone
Suit #3: "Same user ID file. Duh. Suits... finish it!"
VictoryLeoSaberConvoyDeathasaurimusPrime: no it is not fair why do you all hate me when all I did was be nic---
[ZZZZZZZZZZTT!!! With a final flash of light from Suit #3, Deathasaurus's net.presence is nueturalized! Gathering up his fallen account, the Suits quickly haul him away into the netheregions of Cyberspace --- never to be seen again!]
Thy: "I... I don't believe it! They shut him up!.... They silenced Deathasaurus!!"
Prime Saber: "I don't know how or why... but we've been given a chance! Let's do it... let's fight for this newsgroup!"
Zob: "OUR newsgroup! Alt.Toys.Transformers belongs to ALL Transfans!"
[And as we close, a valiant brigade of on-topic, friendly posters fights for the renewal of rational debate, relevant posting, and the American Way... no, wait, wrong story. Nevermind.]
Be sure to read the comic adaptation from Marvel Comics! A star-studded cast with a script adapted by Simon Furman and mind-blowing... errr, mind-numbing, rather, artwork by Jose Delbo! Featuring:
GALVATRON as Deathasaurus
Back to Rob's Pile of Transformers
The corpse of RODIMUS PRIME as Neale Davidson
JAZZ as Thylacine
PROWL as Zobovor
INFERNO as Prime Saber
CYCLONUS as Transking
SCOURGE as Metrolynx
SPIKE as Doug Dlin
SOME CHICK NAMED LISA as Nightwind
GETAWAY as Turin
CROSSBLADES as SILVERBOLT
CHAINCLAW as zac_william
GUZZLE as "Dusty, Keeper of Beelzatron"
SLOG as Knightheart
BIRDBRAIN as Aziraphale
ICEPICK as Battleman and Joona
WILDFLY as Battleman and Joona
SCOWL as Anthony Oster
BRISTLEBACK as Insert Name Here
LASERBEAK as The Dicks of Hazard
RUNAMUCK as JoeQuick
The Heads of the World Crisis Coalition as Tengu, Scott Kampa, Hooks, and Windchaser
HOOK, LINE, and SINKER as the Administrators of WebTV
UNICRON as WebTV
MISCELLANEOUS HUMANS as Walky, Rob Powers, and that other guy. Y'know, THAT guy.
Back to Rob's Pile of Transformers