Rob's Pile of Transformers: Comic Quotes

From G1 #1 to G2 #12, and all points in between -- it's all here, the best (and worst) of the dialogue from the US comics, as judged by... me. Of course, that's only because I worked on the list alone; if I've missed your favorite quote, or thrown one in that you regard as utterly stupid, all you have to do is let me know, and I'll be happy to revise. Now, on with the show!


*************************************************************
The Giant List of Transformers Comic Quotes
Compiled and Organized by Robert Powers
*************************************************************

"It's a freak show for malfunctioning morons!  Not for us!"
   -- Getaway, #43

"Suggestion: we dispense with the tiresome shocked exclamations and get
down to business!" 
   -- Shockwave, #69


*************************************************************
 Everything I Need to Know...
 "My people could learn a lot from yours!"
   -- J.B. Blackrock to Prowl, #10
*************************************************************

"If a lesson on the fourth-order tensile strength coefficients of
nuclear-hardened steel could make you realize the futility of your
actions, I would instruct you -- but the only thing that primitive minds
like yours can understand is raw *power*!"
   -- Shockwave, #8

"But like I said before, some orders are not meant to be followed.  And,
for that matter, neither are some leaders. Which way to the Ark, Goldbug?"
"Behind us, to the east."
"Let's go west."
  -- Blaster and Goldbug, #28

*Some days, nothing goes as planned...*
   -- Blaster, #17

"C'mon, Kup -- we old hands at this game, we know score.  Obey orders to a
point.  But sometimes to win, you have to bend rules -- take chances!"
   -- Grimlock, #69

"Do not judge humans too harshly, Autobots.  They are only capable of
acting upon what they understand... and apparently they do not yet
understand *us*."
  -- Optimus Prime, #15

"We all drive off the road sometimes when it comes to wantin' to go home,
Huffer!...We suffer from the same achin' an' we all make mistakes!"
"You're right, Bomber Bill -- except we're not quite the same.  You can go
home now... I can't."
   -- Bomber Bill and Huffer, #10

"So you guys are desserters."
"We prefer to think of ourselves as 'independent-minded'."
   -- J.B. Blackrock and Blaster, #29

"A moment of distrust can tear down what ten thousand years of peace has
built... there will be no war today."
   -- Galan, Headmasters #1

"Time is fuel!"
   -- Ratbat, #49

"Don't go looking for heroes to believe in... believe in yourselves."
   -- Roadhandler, #55

"We're Autobots!  We never give ground and we never, never surrender!"
   -- Optimus Prime, #71

*For all their supposed omnipotence... even gods can be conned!*
   -- Galvatron, #73

"Sometimes war forces you to do things you'll hate yourself for as long as
you live!"
   -- Blaster, #29

"The path taken by those granted life cannot be predetermined or
controlled... but it can change!"
   -- Optimus Prime, G2 #11

"To quote the old Cybertronian proverb, Jetfire, 'May your luster never
dull, and your wires never cross!'" 
   -- Optimus Prime, #14


*************************************************************
 Culture Shock
 "It is time to bid farewell to Cybertron and say, 
  greetings, earthlings!"  -- Perceptor, #18
*************************************************************

"I am code-named Bumblebee, I'm from the planet Cybertron, I'm in
desperate need of fuel, and your son drove me here!  Do all small, pink
things ask so many questions?"
 -- Bumblebee to Sparkplug, #2

"Why would machines worship moving pictures of strange objects?" 
   -- Bumblebee at the movies, #1

"Do you organic creatures mind?  I don't go poking around your mouths to
see how *you* talk, do I?"
   -- Ratchet, #5

"I hope your father can be repaired."
   -- Optimus to Buster, #4

"Excuse me -- were you conductiong a binomial data transfer?"
   -- Highbrow's first kiss, Headmasters #1

"And what purpose does a "kiss" serve?  It is some sort of
energy-transferal process?"
"Its, um... it's kind of hard to explain..."
"Hmmm... Perhaps it is similar to fifth-order tridimensional equations.
They too are hard to ex---"
"Switch your vocal circuitry to off, Bluestreak!"
   -- Bluestreak, Buster, and Bumblebee, #11

*The humans employ far better design standards on their machines than on
themselves!  What a backwards world!*
   -- Skywarp, #2

"What is the nature of the audio signals emanating from that box, fellow
human?"
   -- Skids, #14

*The activities of these humans never ceases to intrigue me.  Perhaps if
all goes well, I can return her later and find out why they use pairs of
narrow boards to seemingly traverse aimlessly across the moist white,
powerdery surfaces.  How foolhardy!...  I would think it would cause them
rust spots!* 
   -- Ratchet, #8

"A human commands Autobots?! Never!!"
"Looks like now is never, commander!"
"Shut UP, Ratchet!"
   -- Grimlock and Ratchet, #40

"Can't you read?  You comin' in to eat or what?"
"Our apologies, sign enforcement officer.  We'll leave."
   -- Parking lot security guard and Bumbleee, #14

"Are his circuits disconnected?  Who *is* this mad human?"
"More importantly, what is his reason for making such a foolish, patently
false claim of supremacy over the Transformers?"
   -- Bumblebee and Optimus Prime's reaction to Robot Master, #15

"Times like this make me wish I agreed with Grimlock about humans! But I
don't!" 
"I'm not inclined to stomp them either, Blaster!" 
   -- Blaster and Goldbug, #28

"I bet when you step on them, Rippersnapper, they make squishy sounds! Heh
heh!"
"We came here to prove to the Nebulans how powerful we are, Blot... not 
how *stupid* we are!"
   -- Blot and Rippersnapper, Headmasters #3

*Oh, the indignity of it all!  This would never happen to an Aerialbot!*
   -- Bumblebee gets ticketed, G.I.Joe and the Transformers #1

"Do all humans have powers like yours?"
"Not since I last checked!  I'd feel real foolish if they did!"
    -- Gears and Spiderman, #3

"Careful, Goldbug!  I may be a big shot in the energy business, but tank
trucks don't grow on trees!"
"Of course not!  Trucks and trees aren't even the same species!"
   -- J.B. Blackrock and Goldbug , #30

"Get him out of here, Skids!  This is a sterile environment!"
"But Ratchet, he's a human!  Humans don't rust!"
"But they sweat!... Bring the human back after you dehumidify him."
   -- Ratchet and Skids, #21

"I asure you, you are not eaten."
   -- Sky Lynx meets his first humans, #36

"I detest every molecule in that fleshling's form!  Allowing him to live
would be a mockery of every principle I hold dear!"
   -- Megatron, #15


*************************************************************
 Sigh... Only in Transformers...
 "I don't want to be good!"
   -- Starscream, G2 #11
*************************************************************

"Oh, one last thing, Rumble -- have your gasketronic system checked --
your head module seems to be leaking lubricant..."
   -- Shockwave, #12

"When was the last time you polished your feet, Blaster?!"
   -- Chase, #32

"Intriguing... heat tempered protein cylinders!"
   -- Ratchet discovers hot dogs, #7

"Good guys don't just let bad guys get away with stuff like that!  It's
against the rules!"
"Earthen, these 'rules' you cite have no bearing on us."
   -- Spike and Fortress Maximus, #38

"Where I come from, there are no women, no men... no mates!"
   -- Cloudburst, #53

"You were great!  The audience ate you up!"
"But I detected no mass digestive processes..."
   -- Jake "The Jackhammer" Jackson and Roadhandler, #55

"Thank you, friend traffic signal.  May the rest of the day find you in
proper working order."
   -- Ratchet, #5

"Hypothesis: a Decepticon of Scorponok's might and endurance may well have
survived being buried by approximately four hundred and sixty two point
seven tons of assorted wreckage.  Conclusion:  your celebration is
premature!"
   -- Shockwave to Starscream, #72

"I hope you like your fuel *poached*, fleshling."
   -- Shockwave, #39

"Getting fuel is a piece of cake!"
"Cake is fuel?"
   -- Jazz and Prowl, #9


*************************************************************
 They Were the Dream...
 "...We are servants of a force from beyond time.  A force 
  dedicated to the preservation of life, of liberty."
   -- Fortress Maximus, #79
*************************************************************

"We are Creation Matrix.  We are Primus.  We are Prima.  We are Prime
Nova.  We are Sentinel Prime.  We are Optimus Prime...  We are
THUNDERWING!"
   -- The Creation Matrix, #65

"Whether I am a hero or a coward is *not* the issue!  I am *weary*!  My
joints creak from the corrosion of *war without end*!  I... cannot break
this ring of hate that surrounds us all.  But I can remove myself from it.
No matter what you decide... I am leaving."
   -- Fortress Maximus, Headmasters #1

"Existing on that disc ... was a living death. Escaping it ... for these
few moments of precious life ... is well worth it." 
   -- Optimus Prime, #42

"Prime... did... did I do good?"
"Yes, old friend... you did good."
    -- final exchange between Optimus Prime and Scorponok, #75

"My calculations show defeat is imminent -- within 5.7 minutes.  Optional
courses of action include --"
"We have but _one_ course open to us, Prowl..."
   -- Prowl and Optimus at a pivitol moment in TF history, #1

"One life for many... how I tire of that equation!"
   -- Optimus, #60

"Oh, come on!  This isn't the way it's supposed to happen!  Sure, you're
supposed to die, but you have to run around a bit first, fight back!  What
fun is this?"
"Fun?  FUN?!  How DARE you!  How dare you trivialize life and death! Is
that all it's ever been to you, this war -- fun?  How many, eh?  How many
had to die for you to get your jollies? HOW MANY?"
   -- Starscream and Ratchet, #78

"I am the guardian of the gates... the junction of your destruction... the
laser lighting the way to your doom... the planner of your obsolescence...
the furnace that fires your demise... I am the number you cannot compute,
Decepticon."
   -- Omega Supreme demolishes the Decepticons, #19

"How well we know each other.  I wonder some days if it is not a pity we
fight on opposing sides."
*Not a pity, Megatron... a tragedy!*
   -- Megatron and Optimus, G2 #10

"You know what your trouble is, Shockwave?  You have no soul, no passion!
You're just a computer on legs!  You observe, you analyze, you assess.
You see everything... and yet you see nothing!  You couldn't lead the
Decepticons!  The job needs fire, spirit!  Do you see?"
   -- Scorponok, #72

"Shockwave... you are relieved of command!"  
[*BA-THOOOM!!*]
   -- Megatron, #6

"Of course, I'd been fooling myself!  Giving up wasn't the answer.  Giving
up is never the answer!  When it came to the crunch, did Ratchet just give
up, shirk his responsibilities?  No -- he fought on, even though it cost
him his life!  And how do I honor his sacrifice?  I give up, I crawl away
to wallow in self-centered misery!  Well, no more!  I will honor Ratchet
-- no, I will honor every Autobot who has fallen by fighting on with all
the strength and wisdom I posess!  And I will not falter until the tyranny
of the Decepticons is at an end!"
   -- Optimus Prime, #61

"You cannot destroy evil.  It exists always as a counterforce, a balance
in nature that is always maintained... no matter how noble the founding
intention."
   -- the Leige Maximo, G2 #12

"Today we end a battle begun eons ago.  I thought you created us to die,
Primus -- to perish in your place.  But now I understand.  You created us
to carry on *after* you are gone!  You must die, Primus -- so that *all*
might live!"
    -- Optimus Prime plunges the Matrix into Unicron, #75



*************************************************************
 The Many Faces of Optimus Prime
 "...This is no ordinary Autobot -- this is Optimus Prime!"
   -- Skydive, G2 #6
*************************************************************

"Optimus Prime was the most renowned Autobot that ever functioned!  Our
greatest leader!"
   -- Goldbug, #41

"All he does is stay on his spaceship and watch the Earth rotate below.
He's no leader of mine."
   -- Roadhandler, #55

"Optimus Prime no-good peace-loving coward!"
   -- Grimlock, #41

"Optimus Prime's way stinks!"
   -- Grimlock, #27

"...We not care much for Prime's leadership, think he a bit soft in the
head.  You a lot like him, actually."
  -- Grimlock to Prowl, #78

*I understand.  Too late I understand.  Prime not weak.  Not _his_ neck he
worried about.  It the dozens of necks under his command... the loyal,
willing soldiers who put trust in him!*
   -- Grimlock, G2 #4

"Prime is, of course, right.  Prime's always right!"
   -- Megatron, G2 #8

"Optimus Prime is... wise."
  -- Fortress Maximus, #79

"He is, above all, an honorable foe."
   -- Zarak, #71

"A worthy, if misguided, foe."
   -- Jhiaxus, G2 #9

"He wasn't just another gun-toting conscript to me, First Aid.  He was my
friend."
   -- Ratchet, #26

"His wisdom washed over us in endless waves.  If we each retained but a
drop we would be immeasurably the better for it."
   -- Perceptor, #26

"This is getting good.  Op is the only Tranformer I hate more than
Megatron, and Op's about to get clobbered!"
   -- Starscream, #48



*************************************************************
 The Human Factor
 "Humans!  Those putrid protoplasmic parasites should all be 
  carted to the scrapyard!"   -- Ratbat, #49
*************************************************************

"That's great!  If they start shooting nukes at us, you'll really clean
up, huh?"
  -- "O" to his dad (dressed as Optimus Prime), #3

"Nice of that one-eyed diablo to make sure we're at least well-fed, eh,
Gabe?"
"Nicer if this pie was still hot, Ferdy!  I hate cold pizza!  Yecch!"
[BZZRAPP!!]
"I can have Laserbeak make it even hotter, fleshling."
   -- two humans and Shockwave, #11

Man at home: "I bet the Communists are behind this!"
Guy in a store: "I bet the P.L.O. is behind this!"
J.B. Blackrock: "I bet the GOVERNMENT is behind this!!"
   -- reactions to Robot-Master, #15

"...Mull this over -- how long do you think the Decepticons are going to
tolerate this clown claiming to be their leader?  I mean, cigarette
smoking isn't going to be the only hazard to this guy's health!  I hope
he's made out his will!"
   -- J.B. Blackrock on Robot Master, #15

"Let me outta here, you stupid machine!"
"A foolish request!  Our analysis of your species finds that if I were to
release you at this height your frail form couldn't possibly survive!  We
need you, for our purposes, whole!"
     -- Sparkplug and Starscream, #3
 
"Can I help y-- oh!"
"I doubt it, soft-skin!"
   -- "Jim" and Rollbar, #30

"I don't know what they put in the popcorn, but I hope it's not
habit-forming!" 
   -- Sparkplug Witwicky, #2

"Sarge always said if you put in enough miles, you'd believe a car could
talk!"
   -- annonymous highway patrolman meets Gears, #3

 "Car twenty-five to base, reporting a... uh, I'm not exactly sure
what..."
   -- annonymous highway patrolman turns in Jazz, #9

"Aww, man... How'm I supposed to write this one up?"
   -- annonymous NYC cop, standing alone where there'd been a bunch of
Transformers a second earlier, #73

"Cheese, Waldo -- I never seen a VW that could do 200 before."
   -- Ernie, #16

"Oh, no!  Oh, man!  Oh, momma!"
   -- Waldo, #16

"It was like we were shooting balloons at that thing!  We didn't even
scratch it!"
"We didn't even... touch it!"
  -- J.B. Blackrock and Walter Barnett, #14

"You can't even believe the page numbers in this rag, Mitch!"
   -- Rollie Friendly on tabloids, #45

"I can't act under these intolerable working conditions!"
"You can't act under any conditions!"
   -- Jake Colton and Rollie Friendly, #45

"Sexist redneck pig!  You need shifting out of the dark age... like with
dynamite!"
   -- Rapture, #68

"Y-you're not gonna kill me?"
[Joey Slick punches him out]
"Heck no!  I'm just gonna pay you back what I owe you -- six hundred
dollars plus interest.  Now we're even, slimeball!  Spend some of it to
fix up your house, okay?"
  -- Lomax and Joey Slick [after wrecking Lomax's estate with gun-mode
Megatron], #13

"My family's destroyed, my home is gone, I'm forced to live in this 
rat-hole -- all because of these robots -- and now you ask me to help 
them again?!" *SLAM*
"Guess he hung up."
"Some game players are sorer losers than others, Ethan Zachary."
   -- Sparkplug, Ethan Zachary, and Optimus Prime, #40



*************************************************************
 Let's Just Pretend That Didn't Happen
 "What about issue 3? Can we just forget about that one?"
   -- TFs letter colomn, #64
*************************************************************

"Bazooka Joe's all tied up -- let's call a cab and split!"
 -- Spiderman verses Megatron, #3

"Where's my lunchbox?" 
   -- annoymous Junkion, in a poor and pointless adaptation of a cartoon
episode, #43

"Starscream, Skywarp, Thundercracker... take to the air!"
    -- Shockwave, G.I. Joe and the Transformers #4, set well after those
three 'cons had been trashed by Omega Supreme and imprisoned in the Ark

"Did we have to detonate three-quarters of our ship?"
"The Decepticons would have detonated *four* quarters of this ship and we
might have perished.  But our ruse worked -- and we're still alive."
   -- Arcee and Ultra Magnus, The Movie adaptation #2... a typical bit of
the mangled dialogue

"After the shuttle broke apart, we fell not too far away from where you
did, in the same muck.  We saw the Sharkticons come and take you away and
we followed, out of sight...We didn't want to make a move until we knew
what was going on.  But we just couldn't wait and see you killed.  Nothing
is more important than the life of an Autobot.  And now that we're
together, we'll win here and then re-take Cybertron!"
   -- Sludge - yes, that's right, SLUDGE - The Movie adaptation #2... a
typical bit of the atrocious explication

"This will herald the beginning of a new era!  A new way, with the
Decepticons ruled by the unerring logic of Shockwave!"
   -- Shockwave, out loud, with Megatron sitting about ten feet away, G.I.
Joe and the Transformers #2


*************************************************************
 Bad Moon Risin'
 "Oh, a threat!  I love threats!"
   -- Dogfight, #63
*************************************************************

"What's the problem?  We got the tapes, right?"
"We're gonna get a lot more than that!"
   -- Jessica and Blaster, #47

"THROW DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND I WILL SPARE YOUR MISERABLE LIVES, AUTOBOTS!"
"That's the best offer we've had all day... "
   -- Titanium Class Destruction Drone and Rollbar, #30

"Two more.  Little guys.  Easily bruised."
   -- Burn-Out, #46

"The conquest of this planet and the enslavement of its people shall be a
simple task... indeed."
   -- Shockwave walking past the deactivated Autobots, #5

"Are you watching, Jhiaxus? When we're through with the rabble, we're
coming for _you_!"
   -- Megatron, G2 #10

"Can't we discuss this?"
"What's to discuss -- how you are to meet your end?" 
"Don't tell me, let me guess -- old age?"
"Sorry, that would throw off my schedule!"
"Any other way will throw me off mine!"
   -- Buster Witwicky and Starscream, #49

"Without him what would become of you, Darkwing? You would grind to a
halt, your body corroding, festering, sinking into an irreversible,
inoperative oblivion, with no hope for--"
"Stuff the rosey forecast, Dreadwind. I get the point." 
    -- Dreadwind and Darkwing, #42

"Better watch where you poke that finger, smiley -- if you want it to stay
on your hand!"
   -- Landmine, #52

"I'm warning you, if one printed circuit so much as gets smudged, I'll
have your head!  After I've had your fingers, your toes, your..."
  -- Cobra Commander, G2 #2

"Heh heh.  Fleshling likes to give orders to Transformers!  What will you
say after I've burnt you to carbon ash, fleshling, eh?  Heh heh!"
   -- Runamuck, #23

"I'll get you, fleshling!  I'll drink your fuel with a steel straw!!"
   -- Ratbat gets _really_ ticked, #37

"And for this thing you call "daughter" -- you ask for a share of my
power...Yes, perhaps I will share my power with you -- it is in my best
interest.  But beware -- when possessed of such power, all other concerns
fade.  Compassion.  Mercy.  Perhaps even daughters."
   -- Scorponok, Headmasters #2

"Foolish Autobot!  I am a master of Metallicato, the forbidden
Cybertronian art of combat! I'll cut you in two before --"
"Before I pull the arms and legs off this puny flesh creature?  I think
not!"
[to himself] *Hey, not bad!*
 -- Bludgeon and Hot Rod, #71

"Is something wrong, Roadhandler?  You look as if you lost something.
Perhaps if you allowed Stormcloud to rip you to pieces, whatever that
something is will turn up... safe and sound!"
   -- Zarak, master of subtle threats, #55

"Prattling fool!  Your warrior heart is tainted by an idiot's tongue!
Perhaps I shall remove _both_ for you!"
   -- Bludgeon to Jazz, #61

"Blood red twilight decends on your planet, and I am its harbinger!  A
black night of chaos and uncreation comes, and *Unicron* is its name!"
   -- Galvatron, #71

"Scorponok's right, Dreadwind -- it's time we made Unicron's life a
misery!"
"I suppost so, Darkwing, though we'll probably get blasted, torn apart and
die a slow, lingering death."
   -- Darkwing and Dreadwind, #75



*************************************************************
 Decepticon Philosophy
 "Death to the Autobots and the decay they stand for!"
   -- Megatron, #1
*************************************************************

"You see what I mean, Battletrap?  I sort of thought coming so close to
death myself would change me, make me a better robot.  I thought I'd come
out here today and want to embrace life.  In fact I really want to destroy
something!"
"I know what you mean, Runabout.  I guess it's just what we Decepticons
do."
   -- Runabout and Battletrap, #75

"AUTOBOTS!  If I exist beyond my ten millionth cycle I will never
understand them!  Why --_why_ do they continually seek to frustrate us?
To expand, to grow, to colonize -- this is simply the Decepticon way!
What would they have us do?  Stand still?  Stagnate?" 
   -- Jhiaxus, G2 #1

"Decepticons do not cower behind gun batteries!  Our destiny is to go
where we please on this wretched world -- to conquer!"
   -- Megatron, #19

"Their plan, fellow Decepticons, is *weak*!  Ill-befitting a warrior race
such as ours!  Colonizing a barren world, starting from nothing,
scratching a living from dust and dirt!  This is not *our* way!  We take,
and any thing or one in our way is crushed!  They would have us bury our
heritage, bend our knees to their feeble-minded ways!  Well, I say no!  I
say from this day on we begin afresh, with new wars to fight, new worlds
to conquer!  I mean, why fight it -- it's in our oil!"
[the Decepticons cheer him on]
"Good!  Then I take it you're all quite happy to let the Autobots *die*
with their world!" 
   -- the almighty Bludgeon, #77

"I understand you, Grimlock.  I always have.  Like Scorponok, you walk the
fine line between good and evil, Autobot and Decepticon!  Your mind is a
perpetual battleground, your war a lonely struggle against your own
nature!  Give in to hate and anger and you lose!  Part of you dies!  But
every time you find peace, stay the hand that slays, you win!  That is why
you must remember that whatever shape it wears, it is still life.  And
life is the most precious thing of all!"
   -- Hi-Q, #76

"See, good and evil, it just way of things.  For every yin a yang, for
every light a dark, everything balancing..."
   -- Grimlock, #76

"Maybe we guilty of not seeing big picture, but Decepticons guilty too.
See too big a picture!  Time on Earth help us look down, see what we
trample on.  It life, no matter what size or form.  We watch it struggle,
fight for existence.  We helped it then -- why not now?  If Decepticons
not see that their way wrong, it up to us to educate them... the hard
way!"
   -- Grimlock, G2 #1

[hey, what can I say... I'm an Autobot supporter. :]



*************************************************************
 Sex and Violence (minus the sex)
 "We destroyed, we annihilated... we had a good time!"
   -- Cyclonus, #67
*************************************************************

"Brawn without brains ill-becomes a warrior, Decepticon!  You're too
data-deficient to even *comprehend* what this acid-pellet gun is doing to
you!"
   -- Computron to Abominus, Headmasters #3

"I was going to say Goldbug, but it seems I'm back to being Bumblebee
again!  Ah, well, it doesn't matter.  One or the other of me will blow big
holes in you if you don't let Ratchet go!"
"Hah!"
[FAM! FAM! FAM!]
"He doesn't hear as well as he used to, does he?"
   -- Bumblebee and Megatron, #59

"Plan?... I just want you to destroy anything and everything you
encounter!"
"Aw, gee, boss... you sure know how to keep the troops smilin'."
   -- Bludgeon and Quake, G2 #4

"*zzsk* Defend the well *zzsk* None must *zzsk* none must *zzsk* none
must"
"Must _what_?!  Me think your needle stuck!"
"Feed *zzsk* None must feed *zzsk* Defend!"
"Enough!  You go defend somewhere else!"
   -- nucleon-ravaged mechanoid and Grimlock, #70

"Beg, robot -- beg for your life!  It won't do any good, but I'd like to
hear it anyway!"
   -- Circuit Breaker, #73

"I am PREDAKING, the greatest hunting machine this galaxy has ever known!
And you, little robot, are my prey!"
"And you are a fool!  I am no-one's prey!  I am Megatron the conqueror!"
"My x-ray laser will see to it that you're *scrap*."
   -- Predaking and Megatron, #25

"And we prefer to be called the Protectobots, Decepticon!"
"You'll be called *junk* when I'm done with you!"
   -- Hotspot and Megatron, #24

"This is for Brawn, and Steeljaw, and --"
"Oh, please. SPARE me!"
  -- Skydive and Megatron, G2 #2

"I don't have to project plasma as a weapon anymore!  I can excite
electrons!  I can IMPLODE NEUTRONS!"
   -- Megatron annihilates Brawn, G.I. Joe #142

*These pipes normally pump molten metal from the smelting pool to the
ingot fabrication machinery... but no longer --*
"--EAT HOT SLAG, DECEPTICONS!"
   -- Blaster, #17

"Interesting.  I almost FELT that."
   -- Thunderwing to Grimlock, #65



*************************************************************
 Just a Case of Bad Writing, Courtesy of Bob Budiansky
 "Me not believe I hear this!"
   -- Grimlock, G2 #1
*************************************************************

"I believe I have something of yours."
"_Keep_ the blanket!"
"You misunderstand me, dear boy... I was referring to having your
miserable life!"
   -- Zarak and Spike, #38

"Only a fool ignores... Rorza, the rocket-cycle racer from Rigel III!"
   -- Rorza, the rocket-cycle racer from Rigel III, #44

"The Autobots are too overwhelming!"
   -- Iguanis, #41

"My electron gun'll scramble your circuits from here to Cybertron!"
"Only if you aim as well as you brag, Brawl!"
  -- Brawl and First Aid, #32

"Grr... I hope you shoot straighter than you think, Weirdwolf!"
   -- Skullcruncher, #38

"You boast better than you shoot, Dreadwind."
   -- Goldbug, #42

"Have some metal-melting slime from my slimegun, Autobots!"
   -- Blot, Headmasters #4

"My grease blower should only turn you to scrap, fleshlings, as it does
your vehicles!"
"My slagmaker will make puddles of all your weapons, you feeble fools!"
"Leave a few for my slimeshooter, Skullgrin!"
   -- Finback, Skullgrin, and Bomb-Burst, #41

"Just leave someone for me... and me!"
    -- Sinnertwin, #49

"Leave a few of those little critters for me, Octane -- so my ionic
displacer rifle can atomize 'em!"
   -- Astrotrain, #30

"What is wrong, boy?  Is this molten magma too hot for you?"
   -- Zarak, #38

"What's the matter -- you alergic to electron schimitars?"
   -- Blitzwing, #30

"Whatsamatter, Fizzle -- too hot in here for you?"
   -- Flamefeather, #46

"Just a case of bad balance, courtesy of my electro-scrambler."
   -- Blaster, #18

"That beam -- twisting my fuselage --"
"Courtesy of my torque rifle!"
   -- Ramjet and Air Raid, #21

"Have a mechanical malfunction, courtesy of my concussion cannon!"
   -- Breakdown, #22

*Oops!  One slipped by!  Well, a punctured radiator courtesy of my laser
scalpel should make him reconsider continuing!*
   -- Ratchet, #27

"Wh-what?!  The cars -- they should be firing at the police!  Not each
other!"
"With the overload of conflicting signals coursing through their
circuitry, courtesy of my electro-scrambler, you're lucky they're not
firing at *you*, Mechanic!"
   -- The Mechanic and Blaster, #28 
[Yeesh.  That joke *could* have been mildly funny.]

"You're going on a one-way trip, Monzo -- courtesy of my anti-gravity
gun."
   -- Skullcruncher, Headmasters #2

"Vortex looks like he could use some ventilation, courtesy of my
target-tracking, armor-piercing rocket!!" [sic] 
   -- Blades, #35

"Energy feedback, courtesy of my electro-scrambler, tinhead."
   -- Blaster, #42

"Thirst, Bomb-burst?  How 'bout a drink... at the bottom of the ocean --
courtesy of the Seacons!"
   -- Skalor, #49

"This... this wasn't in my job description!"
   -- annonymous railway worker, #35

"This wasn't on the trail guide!"
   -- annonymous skier, #51

"None of this was in the rehearsal!"
   -- Sky Lynx, #44

"Jetfire!  You're hit!"
   -- Omega Supreme, #41 [what, you think he doesn't KNOW this?? :]

"Fall, Autobots!  Fall before the merciless mechanical might of the
Decepticons!"
  -- Zarak, #38
[Not to be confused with the _organic_ might of the Decepticons]

"I'll pave the road to Earth with your steel skin!"
   -- Straxus, #18  
[really, would a robot point out the fact that another robot's skin is
made of steel??]

"Chew on this, robo-roaches!  My pal Goldbug is not on the menu!"
   -- Charlie Fong, #29



*************************************************************
 Not That Furman Was Perfect, Either...
 "Geoff Senior's artwork is the pits, and Simon Furman couldn't 
  write a check!"  -- TF editor Rob Tokar, #70 letters column
*************************************************************

"Sorry, pal -- Dinobots are not on the menu today!  Eat energo sword
instead!"
   -- Snarl, #76 

"Yo, Tailwind -- where you gone?"
*Right behind you, loudmouth -- right behind you!*
   -- Nightflight and Tailwind,#56

"Scorponok is here!"
   -- Scorponok, #57
[This one makes me laugh every time I think of it :]

"Hah!  Must I prove once more, Prime, you are no match for the might of
Scorponok..."
"...Or the claws of Weirdwolf?"
   -- Scorponok and Weirdwolf, #57 
[Really, I feel absurdly redundant for putting attributions on a quote
like that...]

"It's alright, Scorponok, Skullgrin will -- unaaah!" [THWACK!]
   -- Skullgrin, #57
[What I'd like to do to ALL characters who refer to themselves in the
third person]

"Prime, I don't want to shatter any lovingly nurtured illusions, but those
Decepticons aren't collecting for the Red Cross!"
   -- Hot Rod, #58

"Pardon me!  Let's see what happens if we accelerate the dimensional
interface!  I reckon things should get pretty messy..."
   -- Bludgeon, #60 
[c'mon, *Bludgeon* saying "reckon"??]

"...Without it we are doomed!"
"Pathetic!  I hate to disillusion you, Autobot scum, but you're doomed
with it, as well!"
   -- Optimus Prime and Thunderwing, #66

"You're history, scumball!"
   -- Kup, #70

"I will crush your pathetic dreams of conquest... along with your head!"
   -- Scorponok, #72
[Dooooon't panic! He's just crushing your head! :]

"Is that the best your puny race has to offer?  Perhaps I should have
simply conquered this world and been done with it!"
   -- Scorponok, #73

"What is matter?  You not seen stolen Decepticon battle cruisers before?"
   -- Grimlock, #78 
[what, are they all that common? :]

"Can I play too?  Oh yes!  The building -- and occupants -- are toast!
Maximum points!"
   -- Broadside, G2 #1

"...I'm going to give you the worst case of indigestion you've ever had!"
   -- Megatron to Starscream, G2 #11

"Ready.  Let's give this stuff the worst case of indigestion it's ever
had!"
   -- Dirge, G2 #12

"Better to fight and die than to live with the knowledge that I ran!"
   -- Jazz, #67

"...But could I live with myself, knowing I fled, gave in to my fear?"
   -- Scorponok, #74

"...Better that than live with the knowledge that we turned and ran,
abandoned a comrade!"
   -- Swoop, #76

[Honestly, it's almost as cliche as the old Star Trek plot of characters
rejecting some ideal world because it's "not real"...]



*************************************************************
 But!  He Did Have His Moments :)
 "With 92% of the vote, the fans have spoken."
   -- 1996 Trannies
*************************************************************

"Me truly sorry, Kup -- but couldn't let you stop me!  May not believe
this, but this go against grain for me too.  Prime idiot, but he also
boss.  Like you, I loyal to Autobot ways.  But like I say, sometimes you
have to bend rules... even if it mean compromising your principles."
   -- Grimlock, #69

*So... the choice is made.  What is that, I wonder?  Fleeing from
reality?*
   -- Jhiaxus, G2 #1

"Prime, take me with you!  You'll need power!  I can --"
"Go -- live your life.  I have enough for what remains to be done."
    -- Hi-Q and Optimus, #75

"I'll tell you something for free, Prime.  A lot of Autobots are very
unhappy about your decision to surrender to Scorponok on our return to
Earth!  Another weak decision and I doubt many would protest when I invoke
the crisis act and relieve you of command!"
   -- Kup, #70

"Prime, may I speak... candidly?"
"With extinction perhaps just around the corner, if ever there was a time
for candor, it is now."
"Prime, I see enemies gathering at all sides, forces plotting my downfall,
my death.  I want -- I want -- nnn.  I want your help, Prime.  Matrix help
me, but I'm scared.  I don't want to die!"
"Is that all?  If it helps, my friend, neither do I."
   -- Scorponok and Optimus, #74
[Maybe my favorite bit of dialogue in all of Transformerdom :]


*************************************************************
 Death Be Not Deadly
 "How many times did we both 'die'... only to live again?"
   -- Op Prime, G2 #7
*************************************************************

"Mercy is not dispensed here, fools... only DEATH!"
   -- Straxus, #17

"There are no good or bad robots -- just dead robots!"
   -- Circuit Breaker, #73

"I have no desire to be a hero -- or to die."
   -- Skids, #20

"...As you should know by now, Megatron is very hard to kill!"
   -- Megatron, #57

"Having experienced death once, I find I very much want to go on living."
   -- Optimus Prime, #74

"Maybe we should be called the *ex*-Decepticons, then!  I mean, all three
of us are supposed to be dead!  Want to join?  'Fraid we gotta kill you
first!"
   -- Starscream, #69

"C-commander, do you see?  That wasn't Optimus Prime -- it was only a
truck!"
"I see that now, Dead End... but it could have been Optimus Prime.  And if
it had been, he'd be dead."
"But... but Commander... he's already dead."
   -- Dead End and Megatron, #25

"You're really dead, old friend.  I can't say I'll miss you.  Heh heh."
   -- Megatron to Optimus Prime, #24

"You are not dead.  I am not a weird angel.  I am a Transformer."
   -- a mindless Megatron, #13

"Oh no you don't!  This time --  you stay dead!"
   -- Ratchet, #59


*************************************************************
 You Take That Back!
 "Grarr!  You make fun of Grimlock!"
   -- Grimlock, #41
*************************************************************

"You know, Shockwave, for all that massive intellect of yours, you really
are pretty dumb sometimes!"
   -- Starscream, #78

"Huh.  Some creator.  Seems to have dozed off!"
   -- Grimlock on Primus, #60

"Who's he talking about?"
"Himself.  Third person delusions of grandeur, they call it.  Me, I call
it a few diodes short of a circuit board."
   -- Birdbrain and Wildfly on Galvatron, #67

"Look, Grimster -- I'm the trustworthy one, you're not. Got it?  If this
were your suggestion, neither of us would believe it."
"Me know me wouldn't."
   -- Blaster and Grimlock, #41

"Strange.  The only evidence I see of enhancement... is a bigger mouth!"
   -- Bludgeon to the rebuilt Megatron, G2 #5

"Y'know, for a human she's not bad."
"Yes, she is a very compassionate, caring woman."
"No, I mean anyone who can lop your head off with one blow is okay by me!"
   -- Landmine and Cloudburst, #53

"I trust the three of you realize how vital your mission is?"
"Sure, Emirate Xaaron, if we don't find the matrix, some bad guy's gonna
*eat* us!  Right?"
"Ah ha.  Your gift for understatement, Longtooth, is quite spectacular!"
   -- Xaaron and Longtooth, #64

"The only thing Gears wants to learn about this planet is how to get off
it.  I hate this place already."
   -- Gears, #1
[maybe the only 'bot on that whole page to actually show some personality]

"Prime, really!  Doesn't he have a muzzle?"
   -- Megatron, on Grimlock, G2 #7

"Ah -- I see Ramjet arrives with a fresh litter of loathsome fleshlings
for me to greet.  Sometimes my job can be _so_ distasteful."
   -- Starscream, #47

"Why?  That's what they all asked me.  Why him -- why Starscream?  Why, of
all Decepticons, did I decide to revitalize the one whose record of deceit
and betrayal is legendary?  Because I'm an idiot, that's why!"
"...I am tempted to record that last statement for posterity..."
    -- Megatron and Optimus Prime, G2 #10


*************************************************************
 Yeeeee-ah. Right.
 "That's too far out.  People would be jumping off bridges if 
  that story got around."  -- Donny Finkleberg, #15
*************************************************************

"It's working! Flesh and metal are mixing together in a manner unimagined
by all but me! Only my genius made it possible!"  
   -- Scorponok on the Pretenders, #40

"With but one wash it's guarenteed to keep you and your customers under
Ratbat's control forever!"
   -- J.B. Blackrock, #31

"...How about if some human claimed to control the robots for some radical
terrorist purpose?... Someone like my Robot-Master character.  The public
would eat it up."
   -- Donny Finkleberg, #15

"Oops.  Wrong button."
   -- Buster, #37
 [This one requires some explanation -- Buster is trying to take the
batteries out of his radio.  To do so, he presses a button on the top,
next to the other buttons ('play', 'rewind', etc.).  Has anyone EVER seen
a radio where a button on top opened the battery compartment??]

"Acid!  They're droppin' some kind'a acid!"
   -- Stranglehold getting stoned, G2 #7

"...And here, Commander Scorponok, we have our headquarters -- an Alpha
class starcruiser cleverly disguised as a tropical island to hide it from
humans."
   -- Starscream, #49

"...after you recombine these microchips with all these spare parts to
rebuild and free all the robots you've 'recycled'."
   -- Cloudburst does some awful retconning, #53

"This electro-calcinator module is the key to this entire operation."
   -- Shockwave, #16
[NOOO!  They're gonna CALCIFY Bumblebee!! :]

"Feed him another six megajoules, Rumble, and continue to
antifribillate... Geez, boss!  You could've left me more to work with."
   -- Frenzy revives Darkwing, G2 #7

"Lessee, the doohickey is connected to the framistat, which is plugged
into the thingamabob... which goes to the whatchamacallit!"
   -- Waldo, #16
[my kind of technobabble!]



*************************************************************
 From Across the Pond**
 "Strewth!!"
  -- annonymous Englishman, #66
*************************************************************

*What kind of bozo would want to bomb the castle?  The Saxon Liberation
Front?  The mind boggles...*
   -- Roy Harker, curator of Stansham Castle, #33

"Good _gravy_!"
   -- Major Dawes on seeing the "man of iron", #34

"Just brushed something off your tail, Jazz.  Try to be more careful in
the future, hmmm?"
   -- Bluestreak [after TRASHING Skywarp], #34

"You are a missile with a mouth, Starscream!"
   -- Soundwave, Transformers UK #42

"Oh, and Wheeljack... save the long faces until I'm actually dead."
   -- Optimus Prime, Transformers UK #96

"Here's to the end.  May it be swift, painless and spectacul-- What's
going on here?  It's gettin' so a person can't even enjoy his misery in
peace!"
   -- Kup, Transformers UK #132

"Heh.  Going to like it here, yes."
   -- Death's Head, after incinerating Bumblebee with one shot, #114

"Nuhh... stupid!  Ask a civil question, and what happens, eh?  Get insulted!
Get attacked, yes?"
   -- Death's Head, UK #117

"I've been showing Rollbar some 'tee vee'!  Man, that Herbie is my kind of
hero!"
   -- Goldbug, Transformers UK #???

"You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?  Request denied!" [*BLAM!*]
   -- Rodimus Prime, Transformers UK #114

"Big deal!  Probably some Microheadtargetmaster with a Pretender shell!"
   -- Wheeljack, Transformers UK #261

** All TF UK quotes shamelessly stolen from the 1996 and 1997 Trannies by
Robert Jung.  :]


*************************************************************
 Quips
 "Oh, Runamuck, what a wonderfully wicked thing to write!  
  You really do have a talent for the one-liner!" -- Runabout, #23
*************************************************************

"Ah, the fleshlings have sent a welcoming party, Runamuck!  But such a
sneaky way of saying hello!  My, my!"
"I don't like sneaks, Runabout -- not at all!  Heh heh!"
[BLAMMO!]
   -- Runabout and Runamuck, #23

"AAAAH!! It's got me! It's got me!... Ah ha. Well... the *floor's* got me,
actually."
   -- Jazz, #65

"Is this fight filled up, or can anyone join?"
   -- Mudslinger encounters Skullgrin and Iguanis brawling, #54

"Just like stealing candy from a baby -- and almost as much fun!"
   -- Bombshell, G.I. Joe and the Transformers #1

"Okay, Decepticons -- let's show these Autobots how it's *really* done!"
"Yeah, yeah.  Ra-ra-ra."
   -- Thundercracker and Starscream, G2 #8

"Reason's gonna be the death of me yet!"
   -- Landmine, #53

"My friction ray will hit her first, Runabout!  Heat up her molecules,
make her explode!  Heh heh.  Big mess!  I love a big mess!"
   -- Runamuck, #23

"Though we appear to serve the same master, and like you I have little
fondness for Optimus Prime, I didn't go through all the trouble of getting
him here just to have *you* blow him up!"
   -- Galvatron, #74

"Sorry I tried to slag you a few moments ago."
"Yeah, no hard feelings, okay?"
   -- Wideload and Rollbar to Goldbug, #30

"S-stop!  I -- I've got a... suggestion!"
"Silence!  The condemned has no right to speak!"
   -- Ethan Zackary and Megatron, #24

"Once Ravage picks up the scent of his prey, he will hunt it until he
destroys it.  Nothing can sway him, except, of course, his own
destruction."
"How comforting."
   -- Skids and Donny Finkleburg, #20

"Ready?  Yeah, I'm ready... ready to dance Swan Lake in this gear!"
   -- Thunderpunch, #68

"Hmm... I wonder if I should report this?"
  -- Waverider, staring at a room demolished by Grimlock, #68

"Move it!  If antimatter particles react with elements in the engine core,
it'll go--- nn! Can't think!  The technical term is --"
"Bang."
"That's it."
   -- Dr. Biggles-Jones and Skydive, G2 #2

"Very illuminating." 
   -- Shockwave's reaction to television, #5

*A couple of well-placed shots, and whammo --  no more Scorponok!  My sort
of battle!*
   -- Starscream, #72

"It's so frustrating!  I want to kick someone's butt for this, but how do
you beat up on a planet?  If only --"
[KRUNCH!! as Dreadwind is crushed by a giant Autobot sigil]
"Yeah -- the Autobots!  It's bound to be their fault!"
   -- Darkwing, #77

"Maybe a hunch I have... or maybe something I saw."
"Or maybe you're just strange."
   -- Streetwise and First Aid, #24

"NO!  Sheath your sword, Bludgeon! Now!"
[WHACK] 
"Or just take a nap!"
   -- Lord Zarak and Kup, #72

"Read my lips, general.  The word is no.  They're too close to Manhattan
for the military thing -- it just wouldn't be prudent at this juncture."
   -- the President of the United States, #72

"Hang on, Max -- here comes the cavalry!"
"Another one?  I really *must* get this place swept!"
   -- Skydive and Megatron, G2 #2

"What?!  We worked _weeks_ to collect those petrochemicals!"
"Your efforts are duly noted."
   -- Starscream and Shockwave, #14

"What is that old Earth saying, Stakeout?"
"Something about pride, Redhot --"
[tosses Octopunch off a ledge]
"-- and falls!"
"Stupid saying."
"But uncommonly apt."
   -- Redhot and Stakeout, #61

"But these fleshlings... they never get as angry about what we write as
that other fleshling did a few days ago in the parking lot, Runamuck."
"Yeah.  They just seem... confused."
"No doubt our wit is too slyly subtle for them to appreciate."
"Yeah, *that's* it! Heh heh."
   -- Runamuck and Runabout, #23

"They survived again! Watching screws rust is more entertaining than
this!"
   -- Starscream, #48

"Excuse me, sir... madam... whatever!"
   -- Nightbeat, #62

*He's telling me that once his new army is fully mobilized, my services
will no longer be required.  And given my past record of treachery, I
doubt that means a pension and a sign that says 'Dunmurderin!'*
   -- Starscream, G2 #8
 
"Yes, Trypticon.  Anything you say, commander.  As you wish, exalted --"
"Just shut up and go!"
   -- Wipe-Out and Trypticon, #27

"...Now, what are you doing here, Bumblebee?  Did I dent the fender of a
friend of yours?  Are you getting even?"
   -- J.B. Blackrock, #29

"I dunno -- I just don't see the point in this!  I mean, Unicron's been
defeated... there's no hurry to get off-planet now.  We could wait awhile,
steal a spacecraft _without_ big holes in it!"
   -- Starscream, #76

"What does the detective manual advise in this kind of situation,
Nightbeat?"
"It mentions prayer, Hosehead..."
   -- Hosehead and Nightbeat surrounded by goons, #62

"Aw, he's no fun -- he fell right over!"
   -- Blitzwing after chopping off the Scraplet monster's leg, #30

"Well, well.  Grimlock.  I hardly expected to see you again quite so soon.
People will begin to think you _like_ it here!"
   -- Jhiaxus, G2 #4

"Okay! I figger it's about time we had a little chat!"
 -- Dogfight bustin' loose, #63

"May I make a suggestion?"
"I'm way ahead of you.  When surrounded by two hostile forces, firing
randomly at one another, the detective manual describes a process known
crudely as running away!"
   -- Hosehead and Nightbeat, #62

"I... am sorry!  It is not my desire to hurt you!"
"Right!  That's why there are little earth tremors all over the place!"
   -- Superion and Dial Tone, G.I. Joe and the Transformers #2

"I give up!"
"Better the black abyss of permanent shutdown than any more of this
barrage!"
"You take the abyss route, Dreadwind -- I'm taking off!"
   -- Darkwing, Dreadwind, and Hi-Test, #42

"H-Hey!  Come back here with that!"...*I'd quit this job if I weren't so
close to retirement!*
   -- security guard watching Soundwave make off with the U. of Oregon
chemistry department, #3

"Berko!  So this is what I get for puttin' you on the payroll!... Well, I
got a bonus for your good work -- first I'm gonna rip your limbs out, one
by one -- and then I'm gonna fire you!"
   -- Big Top, #43

"Cliff, you're a klutz."
"I know that.  I accept that.  I can live with that -- although, at this
rate, I don't know for how long!"
   -- Spike and Cliff, #51

"They're turning the scrap in my yard into -- well, scrap!"
   -- Sparkplug, #2

"We still fight, Fruitloop Multipuck -- for supremacy of Autobots!"
   -- Grimlock, #41

"No need, Forktongue Maxiface..."
   -- Grimlock, #41

"Steelhaven leaving!  Is trick by you and Fullstrength Motleypuss!"
   -- Grimlock, #41

"...This vessel carries fuel of a vintage yet to be distilled -- it's
empty!"
   -- Ratbat, #31

"I'll just keep quiet in the future, shall I?  Follow in your footsteps
and marvel at you!  Tell me, o masterful one, what is your bidding..."
   -- Starscream to Shockwave, #78

"Yours is funny too, Runabout.  It makes me laugh."
[pause]
"Heh heh."
   -- Runamuck, #23

"For the last time, Siren, I know what I'm doing here.  Interrogation is a
science, combining psychology and bluff, obervation and--"
 [ducks a punch]
"--reflexes!"
   -- Nightbeat, #62


*************************************************************
 It's Over, Finished!
 *In my heart of hearts I know... it never ends!*
   -- Optimus Prime, G2 #12
*************************************************************

"Now I must go.  I have a war to win."
   -- Megatron, #13

"Um... you sure there're 500 million in here?"
"WHAT?! Get out!!" 
"Looks like the right number to me, Landmine." 
"No argument here, Cloudburst. So long, guys. Keep smiling."
  -- Landmine, the Mechanibals, and Cloudburst, #52

"Hush.  Darkness gathers..."
   -- Megatron about to finish off Prime, G2 #7

"We thank you, Optimus Prime.  Farewell.  We send you to join with the
universe -- to return to the cosmic dust from which all life began... and
from which it will begin again."
   -- Perceptor, #26

"Sorry, but, er... we just realized we're not authorized to be back here!
Bye-bye!"
    -- Bumblebee, #14


*************************************************************
************************ The End ****************************
*************************************************************

Back to Rob's Pile of Transformers